The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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