I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
