Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
