Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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