Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
