I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
