i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
