If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
