i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
