three words: i give head
three words: not that well
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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