How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
