ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
