If that was your dad, he is hot
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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