I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
