look no pants
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
