Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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