shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
