mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
