This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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