So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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