A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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