In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
