Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
