I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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