I was born with a shot glass in my hand
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
