I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
now i know why i became what i already was.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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