I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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