what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
