What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
