rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
