my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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