Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
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