**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
