Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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