im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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