don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
