she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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