On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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