just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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