Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
