Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
