Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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