just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
