You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
