whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
