i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
