I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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