Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I need a burrito and a hug.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
