I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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