but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
