i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
