Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
