even my farts smell like vagina
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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