I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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