This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
