I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
