why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
